Why?

I decided to start this blog on a positive note. As I mentioned in my previous post, life with a peanut allgeric loved one is an emotional roller coaster. There are days when I feel confident I can protect my son and teach him to protect himself. Days when I completely tune out the allergy altogether and pretend there isn't one. Days when I can't stop crying and feeling pity (mixed with fear) for my son and myself. But recently, I am feeling- in a word- BETTER.

Here are some of the things I have thought to make myself feel better in the past:
1) I'm thankful my son doesn't have something worse like cancer (if you have to tell yourself this, it's still pretty bad).
2) I'm thankful my son only has peanut and egg allergies (and I'm pretty hopeful that he'll outgrow the egg).
3) I'm thankful for my son's egg allergy cause it helps with the peanut allergy- people who question why he can't eat something that doesn't contain peanuts (because cross-contamination is a hard one to grasp), will not give my son unsafe foods like cakes or cookies cause they mostly contain egg.
4) I'm thankful that we live in an age where people are more aware of food allergies in general.
5) I'm thankful to live in the age of the internet where I can get information and support in English (otherwise I'd go bonkers here in Japan)
6) I'm thankful that peanuts and peanut butter are not as commonly used here in Japan.
7) I'm thankful I can speak enough Japanese to call companies to double check if they process anything containing peanuts.

and more than anything else:

I am thankful for my son, peanut allergies and all!

Recently, I have had a change in the way I think about my son's allergy. I used to pray that he'd outgrow it. But it seems like even if you outgrow it, you could regain the allergy, so I wonder if you'd ever really feel safe. Now I just pray that if he has to go through life with this allergy that he will be safe. I also started to think that maybe there is a reason for his allergy. After all, I have gone on and off of peanut butter my whole life, sometimes being disgusted by it and unable to eat it for long periods at a time. I had terrible morning sickness and could barely eat anything the first trimester. I could have just as easily gone off peanut butter while pregnant. Instead, I craved it and ate it by the spoonful. For a long time I felt guilty, believing I caused my son's allergy. I had never heard a link between eating peanut butter during pregnancy and breastfeeding and peanut allergies in children before. I gave up coffee and alcohol and even feta cheese. I would have given up peanut butter if I'd known. But I didn't know and I did crave it. And I believe things happen for a reason. So maybe my son will grow up to help people affected by food allergies. Maybe he'll be a professional athlete or famous movie actor or singer and promote awareness. Maybe he'll open a nut free restaurant or bakery. Maybe he'll be the scientist that comes up with a cure. Who knows. But I believing this way has helped me accept my son's allergy. And no matter what other ailments or challenges come into my son's life, I am soooo thankful that he came into ours.